Friday, September 25, 2009

What the Aitch?

DISCLAIMER: This post will be about breasts and pregnancy-related-breast matters. If you feel that you are not interested or that your interest is inappropriate, please discontinue reading this entry now.

What the AITCH! Aitch, that's right. No longer are we living in the realm of double dee's (like your grades) or even the more recent triple dee word score. We are at H and approaching I. H standing for huge and hell and humongous. I, God Forbid, is somewhere I can't even imagine going. It's in the idiotic, incredibly large, impossible category. But here we are at 16 weeks and a 34H.

I went to be fitted for a new bra today; in case you were still wondering what is fueling my alphabet-inspired rant. Bra shopping pregnant is not any easier than bra shopping not-pregnant was. I went to a special maternity clothes store in Toronto and tried on everything they had (I think). It took hours and many women and many hands checking me out and deciding what went where. In the end, I walked out with two new bras that will serve as nursing bras provided things stay in check. This cost the equivalent of Andrew's entire clothing budget for two maybe three years.

In my defense, Andrew's clothing budget is crazy-low and purchases like this should really be covered by medical insurance. The stress I'm trying to take off my poor back could be saving major chiropractor bills. I wonder if anyone has ever submitted a claim for a bra before? They're not even terribly cute, people. Cute doesn't come in this size.

At one point, a nice sales lady said, "Wow, what were you before you started growing?" Really? Extra attention up top is not exactly new to me, let's just face facts. As Carol, our lovely midwife said to Andrew, referencing my starting cup size, "Oh well, you were never deprived, now, were you?" I wish you could have seen him try to figure out how best to respond to her. I believe he went for the stare-straight-ahead and hope the question was rhetorical (it took me five whole minutes to locate that word).

My hairdresser, bless her heart, said when she saw me a few weeks ago, "I just knew you were pregnant; girl, your boobs are huge!" They are in fact huge, with an aitch. The great news is that they are no longer as sore as they were when the growth spurt began. In fact, their soreness was a major tip-off that I was pregnant and in the first few weeks, I found the aching a nice reminder that I was going to have a baby. But the measurements are in and I'm a little off balance. Has any pregnant woman ever fallen forward from the shear weight of her front?

The baby books estimate that each breast should gain about a pound. If that's the case, then I think we're on target or even a little over (I refuse to put them on the kitchen scale) and these new bras should be with me for a while. I'll have to get some pictures of the belly up soon so we have something to compare to, but the belly is still definitely overshadowed. Actually shadowed over.


  1. Ah yes, even I can't offer you any hope. You've already passed me! Let me just say a few things:
    -if your shopping experience was anything like mine, the ladies at the "big girl bra shop" as I like to call it, should have been great preparation for labor and delivery. Hanging around with things exposed that you never thought you'd expose to strangers, while said strangers have no qualms about checking and adjusting those areas periodically...this is very much like what will happen to you in a few months!
    -Like you, the breast growth was fast and furious at the beginning. Take heart, it should level out and finally plateau. They will of course get bigger when you breastfeed, but most large-breasted women notice less of a change when the milk comes in than do smaller-breasted women. That's small consolation: they are still going to be ginormous.
    -Finally, the 'overshadowed' part is right. For the first half of my pregnancy I was told by a few select friends, "your belly would look bigger if your boobs weren't so huge." Get used to it - in fact, enjoy it. Imagine how big you're belly is going to get that it will actually overshadow your cans. Oh yeah, it's happening. I'll be here to listen to you cry and complain when it happens. Call me.

  2. You are hilarious! I've heard that some women's breasts actually get smaller than their original size after they stop nursing. Certainly not the case for everyone, but you never know.